CI #106 -- Kids Those Days (new blog)

If you happened to find this blog, you're either one of a select few who think highly of me for some reason or are mad at Google for sending you here. That said, because you did stop by here, you get a special invitation to the soft launch of my new blog.

So what is it?

It's called KidsThoseDays (kidsthosedays.com), and I hope it's self-explanatory. Check it out and let me know your thoughts if you're so inclined.

I may update this blog for time to time, but these days it's mostly about KidsThoseDays.

CI #105 -- This blog, pt. 2

Why has it been so long since this blog was updated (again)?

Rest assured, there are still curious items to be catalogued, and I will. But I've been busy with many things, including a new blog project that I plan to update much more frequently.

Stay tuned for deets...

CI #104 -- Chef's Quality Condiments

Hey, Sal. Got any salt?

Yeah.

Any good?

Meh. It's salt.




Hat tip to Katie and Jackie of the best bakery in Brooklyn aka the Blue Stove.

CI #103 -- Stock Music

If I could have any job in the world behind rock star, it'd be fake rock star -- also known as composer of stock music. Not only do you get to write it -- you get to name it and describe it (I hope).

Exhibits A - J.


Just one question though. As described in track 7, What are laser rays?

CI #102 -- New Media Internet

What do you do with that interminable split second before the elevator closes? You take the time to notice the little things, including random tenants in a random building.

Like these mysterious outfits.

Sure, Media Most International and Overseas Media are intriguing, but they're no "New Media Internet."

Yeah. A couple questions. Is it really possible that "New Media Internet" is the company's real name? What do they do?

One can only assume they're involved in the following:

-Internet Web Sites
-Multimedia Videos
-Web Internet Blogging
-Audio Podcasts

Also, Who are their chief competitors? Web Business LLC? Or do they more often run up against the large conglomerate Company Incorporated?

As it turns out, New Media Internet is in fact their name. And they recently trademarkia'd KINOLUBITEL. Good for them.

CI #101 -- Mets hats

Being from North Carolina and an NC State alum, I've always identified with the NY Mets.

Whether in *long-term performance, player signing (or recruiting), or merchandising (let's be honest -- it's the most important part) they're consistently overshadowed by the Yankees (or Tarheels).

As much as I hate to admit, it's true. When's the last time you saw anyone giving national coverage to a Wolfpack hat? Seriously, when was it? To be fair though, would you wear this?


Of course, there's a certain amount of pride that comes with playing or aligning with the underdog. Whim Quarterly's own Brock Mahan and I have discussed the connection between indie rock and Mets hats in the past. At an average show, you might find a handful of Mets hats but probably zero Yankees hats.

Why are indie rockers the only ones not wearing Mets hats?

CI #100 -- HDTV

I just bought a new TV. Because my old one broke. You buy something for $200 in 1996, and you'd think it would last! Harumph! Things ain't like they used to be.

But now, having taken the leap into the 21st century and purchased a bright, shiny new LG LCD HD TV (we really have to do something about those acronyms), I find myself asking Why? What's the point?


You turn on the TV, and it's crap. Even in all it's HD 1080p glory, crap is still crap. The effect is a net decrease of enjoyment because ... this is supposed to be awesome!

Don't get me wrong, I love Becker as much as the next guy -- especially the one where he's hilariously insensitive to an unsuspecting patient, but I can see it only so many times. My new TV is just a big, expensive reminder that there are better things to do with your time (For the record, I have this week off from work, so that's not necessarily true).

It's like walking into a house of mirrors after stuffing your gut with a 16-ounce burrito. Something that was supposed to be joyous turned into a reminder that your life desperately lacks guidance.

Also, do we need QVCHD? It seems contradictory with respect to their business model. You're just that much more likely to notice that their cheap Samurai swords are likely to break and "Ohhh, get me Odell!"

CI #99 -- Gold Prices

In the war for your wares on Graham Avenue, you must ask yourself Which is better: "best prices"* or "highest prices"**?

(*Tivoli Jewelers. **Romance Jewelers. Yes, I agree. It would work better if the picture were better.)

CI #98 -- Swimming pool

I was talking with some friends the other night, and the discussion evolved (devolved?) into long-term quality of life issues. I think we'd all like to own a house at some point and possibly have 2.5 kids (minivan, picket fence, pressure washer negotiable).

And unless we get our own reality show or become a science teacher and start cooking meth (neither are recommended), we realized there's a pretty good chance we'll have to leave New York to do it.

(For the record, I find the ability to even choose to do this is a luxury. Also, remember of course that if you choose not to decide, you still have made a CHOYCE!)

All of a sudden, we were playing house. It was so cute. No, actually it was nauseating. (Someone please play Kill 'em All stat!) But the subject of a pool came up.

And I wondered, Is it wrong that I'm totally up for having kids but don't want the responsibility of a pool?

Before you decide, at least hear me out.

"Kickass, a pool!"

CI #97 -- Best Presidential Picture Ever

What is it?

This.

CI #96 -- Infallibility of pointy hats

I was baptized and confirmed Catholic, yet still couldn't begin to explain a whole host (pardon the pun) of its arcane and obscure beliefs, like why, for instance, our housing market has tanked because not enough statues of St. Joseph were buried upside down in backyards.

I'm probably committing a venial sin simply by pointing that out. One of those things I could never explain was Papal infallibility. I don't mean to Church-bash. Lord knows (there I go again. Damnit! Er...) there's been enough of that lately. But throw us a bone here.

Just when is the Pope infallible? Always? Holy Days? Birthdays?

I was struck when I recently came across this explanation from Listverse. I did not fact check this because, quite frankly, for the purpose of this post, it's helpful just to assume it's true. Turns out he's not always perfect. Just under these conditions:

I. The Pope must be making a decree on matters of faith or morals

II. The declaration must be binding on the whole Church

III. The Pope must be speaking with the full authority of the Papacy, and not in a personal capacity.

In other words, the Pope is only speaking infallibly (and therefore irrefutably) when the stakes are the highest and most widespread. Hmm... kinda seems a little self-serving, but whatev.

But let me get this straight to be sure.


A Pope with bad taste buds eats this clearly bunk cheeseburger and declares it delicious. FALSE! It's still terrible.




Pope declares that Church-wide you-know-what "ain't no big." TRUE! Ain't no big.

Okay, now I've got it.

CI #95 -- Things that are awesome

Going all the way back to 1997, Fall means two wonderful things: 1) cooler weather = no cooler necessary (if you know what I'm saying. Right, Mom?) and 2) (if we're lucky) a sweet new Oukast LP.

(I wasn't quite hip enough to have gotten in on the ground floor when Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik came out.)

These days, new Outkast proper material is hard to come by because Andre's presumably too busy boa shopping. And I, along with many, have a special place in my heart for Mr. 3000 (not the Bernie Mac one.)

But last night watching Letterman, I was reminded that even Outkast's second-fiddle MC (depending on who you ask) is still probably one of the best rappers out there. There isn't enough drugs, shoes, fur hats, pastels or booze in the world to make Kanye this smooth.

What's awesome?

This. I don't even have the album yet. But I will rectify that.... NOW.

CI #94 -- *Moving

Okay, the letter-writing from post-deprived fans is getting a little excessive. Though I did appreciate the excellent fruit cake, Ms. Laughlin. So, okay, fine. I'll post again.

Where have I been? Really busy, but I won't complain about that. I will, however, complain about this: moving, which is where I have "been," so to speak. Please "enjoy" this old and all-too-applicable old post in the interim.

Also, thanks special thanks to Brock and Kevin for their help -- with moving.

###

No one likes to move. No one likes helping someone move. No one can stand packing, wrapping, shuffling, storing, repacking, rearranging, securing objects with ropes (or extension cords), re-rearranging, unloading, -- not to mention it eating almost a month of the mover's life and killing at least an entire Saturday of anyone helping out.

There's not enough beer and pizza on Graham Avenue [insert incredibly specific geographic reference here] to make it tolerable.

So you can imagine how pumped I was when my new creepy neighbor *Gary asked me to help him move some things in the other day. "Just a couple bookcases I got on 92nd Street."... "Oh."

You might say, "Well, Greg. We help each other move. It's just part of being a decent person." Yes, we do help people move, and I help people move, but "people" are generally friends or loved ones.

CI #93 -- NBA

So it's Miami. Who cares? Not this guy, though there was a time.

As a New Yorker, I'm almost glad that Lebron didn't come here because it would reinforce an offensive Big Apple mantra: We (NY) can buy anything.

That's basically the Yankees' operating strategy. And to be fair, same goes for the Mets -- the Yankees are just better at it. (Lack of salary caps is one of my qualms with baseball).

It's impossible for me to talk about the NBA without sounding like a curmudgeon. Let's try, shall we: The game is boring. It's all flash and no substance. Their shorts are too long. They're practically pants! They make too much money. In my day, the ball wasn't so round.

NBA-fan friends tell me the rule changes over the past couple years have "opened up the game." I believe them. More than anything, my lack of appreciation for the NBA probably stems from two things: 1) no longer being 11 and delusional, thinking I could play even college ball and 2) Who has the freakin' time? I'm still trying to catch up on Breaking Bad.

So it's only fair to ask, When did I like the NBA?

Exhibit A:



Exhibit B: (apparently this is totally serious).

CI #92 -- Changes

Every time I'm in a car listening to the radio, I make a resolution: listen to the radio more. Yeah, like the analog kind. No Pandora, no satellite. Old school.

Why? Because even though radio tends to play the same songs, they're songs we don't normally pick for ourselves. Radio is perhaps the most random form of media consumption these days. With a digital TV guide, I barely even flip channels anymore.

The benefit of radio is that you may end up hearing songs you forgot you liked. For me it was 2pac's "Changes" while I was in NC last week. You better believed I pumped the hell out of the Ford Focus speakers.

The man's mellifluous urban poetry got me thinking: This song is the perfect political yardstick. Forget all this first 100 days, first year crap.

So I wonder What does 2pac's "Changes" say about Barack's changes?

CI #91 -- Yahoo Mail Login Page

I use Yahoo Mail* primarily. Why? I can't really say, but I'm sure that at one point in time, I had a really good reason and that the reason is surely long gone. But hey, it's better than Hotmail.

Each time I go to sign in, I wonder Why is Yahoo Mail apparently used exclusively by residents of San Francisco's Mission District?**

"Just wait 'til you see my handsewn handbags covered with flaming teddy bears."

"I absolutely skateboard to my job at a social networking start-up. Absolutely."

"What, this? Oh, it's just my ironic baby. Whatev. It works better on my husband."

*Serious props seriously to Yahoo Mail for having used the sample address "free2rhyme@" since before this silly campaign.

**I have never been to San Francisco's Mission District. Or San Francisco, for that matter.

CI #90 -- Random fact about two people I don't care about

At the risk of sounding redundant, I just learned a random fact about two people I don't care about.

Who is Percy Grainger? Apparently a famous composer who changed the face of modern orchestration and blah, blah, blah (and was evidently a "perv").


But he's also Kevin Kline.


So there you have it. Also, if you're not reading Cracked, you should. It's nothing like the magazine that once tried to be Mad.

CI #89 -- The Brief Safe

Thanks to Dij for the tip on the most innovative use of tidey whities in decades, courtesy of Sears.


It appears Sears tried to copy something they thought Urban Outfitters would do but overshot by a mile, ending up in Spencer's Gifts territory -- the grundle of American mall culture.

Sure, there will be people who say, "You'd be crazy to keep cash in your underpants." To that I'd say, "Would you? Show me somewhere safer you can stash your money these days. With that jackhole Bernanke running things, we're all headed for the s---- anyway." (<-- that's what I would say.) There are myriad exciting points to debate here, but let's get to the most essential: Will the stained-underpants Brief Safe work?

Totally! But only if auteur-like attention to detail is maintained throughout your property. Five points are paramount.

1. Outside there must be at least three, and if at all possible four, pieces of plastic yard art. Garden gnomes won't suffice though. Too subtle. These must be arranged in such a way that appears haphazard but actually takes great care to maximize inconvenience to any intruder and/or prospective buyer of your house.

People must think you have nothing to steal. Bonus points if neighbors and friends are actively annoyed at your property.

2. Everything in your house must be dirty. Those glow-in-the-dark frost-able Daytona 500 beer mugs? Simply have to be stacked in the sink, covered in gunk. Otherwise, the logic of the ruse falls apart. I'm looking at you, ash tray.

Btw, did you see these things?! In case you didn't...



3. Let's be honest. You're really protecting your payload from your Old Lady so she won't steal it and give it to her Bum Son. So keep information at a minimum. Need to know basis, people. Feel free to play mind games and demand she do your laundry though.

4. Remember not to raid Brief Safe while buzzed on Milwaukee's Best in the hopes of procuring more Milwaukee's Best.

5. Relax on couch. Wearing Brief Safe, place hand in waistband, drinking in the benefits of true financial security.

CI #88 -- Flashbacks

Remember that time in high school when you dropped acid in your friend's [Insert: basement, bonus room, carpeted garage]? You had such grand plans to do something "really awesome" like watch [Insert: "The Wall," "Labyrinth," "Dumbo"], but you got lazy.

So you stayed up all night staring at the ceiling, which looked like [Insert: the sky, a circus, evil flowers], and watching infomercials.

Then you decided to raid the kitchen and briefly chowed down on [Insert: any embarrassing, brightly colored snack food] but quickly became more enthralled with the food's packaging than the food itself.

Then one of your friends seemed to "disappear" for a while, and when he came back had discovered that the throw pillow was "Lucifer." Then things got weird.

Remember? Well, you will after you watch this.

CI #87 -- Things that actually exist

What actually exists?

This does. Saw it near the curb on my street.

(Can't wait to get a phone with a better camera)

Of course, this isn't the most absurd example of movie merchandising, but it's up there. Did I mention that the movie exists too? Well, it does. For further ridicule of this practice, see Spaceballs. You really can't top that.

Perhaps the worst-hyped, most over-marketed movie ever was Jerry Seinfeld's Bee Movie. It almost single-handedly created a lasting distaste for the man -- a person High School Greg worshiped. That, combined with his comments during the Late Night Wars Pt. 2 really make me question owning Season1 on DVD.

But can you blame him? He was probably just covering his ass for the promo tour of Bee Movie 2.

Back to Bee Movie 1. For further reading: see any of the following...

The Bee Movie Happy Meal!...

The Bee Movie Bee Doll! Coming to arcade claw games near you 3 years ago, and probably still there.

The Bee Movie Cross-Promotion! -- I mean, totally organic guest appearance on 30 Rock...

("Photo" credit: http://www.videolife.tk/snapple/)

Not pictured: I'm pretty sure I have a Polaroid somewhere of the Bee Movie ride at Coney Island.