CI #73 -- Quad Bikes

Katie and I were recently flipping channels when we came across "I Shouldn't Be Alive." It's one of her favorites, and I tend to enjoy it as well (though it seems a different production company, probably Canadian -- more on that later -- screwed up the new season).

The guide said something like "A man struggles for survival after a tragic quad bike accident." Okay, fine. Sign me up, but What the hell is a "quad bike"? I've never heard this term, which can only mean it's stupid.

I became more interested in this mystical "quad bike" thing than whether and how this guy should or shouldn't be alive. Fast forward a few minutes, and we see a wide shot with the big reveal! -- wait, a minute... That's an F-ing four wheeler! WTF?! That's not a quad bike -- that's a four wheeler! At the very least, it's an ATV. Quad bike, my ass! I mean, what would you call this?


Katie pointed out that it's probably a Canadian thing; the Canadian production company made a show for a Canadian market about a Canadian guy who got trapped under his [four wheeler].

I pointed out that while probably true, "that's bullshit! It's a four wheeler." Can we just go around naming any vehicle by putting one adjective in front of the word "bike"? Oh, look at the Navy's new $400 million nuclear underwater bike (submarine)? How are you getting to work, walking or taking the rail bike (subway)? I think I'll hop up and down in one place on my pogo bike (you get it, if you're not a total moron).

Meanwhile, "quad bike" continues to enrage me as the story unfolds: "I was trapped. I could feel the weight of the quad bike pushing down on my legs. I was aboot [sic] to fall asleep, but I knew I couldn't..."

At this point, I should fess up and say that Katie was indeed 100 percent correct. From Wikipedia:

The ATV is commonly called a quad (quad-bike) in Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, the United Kingdom and parts of Canada and the United States

So, yes, there are tons of people who do call it a "quad bike" -- they're known as Australians, Kiwis, South Africans, Brits, Canadians and DUMBASSES!

I will also concede that "four wheeler" isn't really all that more accurate or helpful. However, at least motorcycles (commonly called bikes) were at one point bicycle bikes.

Here's how my reenactment would have gone:

EXT. RURAL ONTARIO -- DAY

A COMPLETE IMBECILE in excruciating pain lies face down with a four wheeler turned on its side, crushing his legs beyond repair. He's being a total wimp about it. Suddenly, he looks up and sees an AWESOME HIKER coming towards him. The AWESOME HIKER rushes to his rescue.

AWESOME HIKER
Are you okay? What happened?

COMPLETE IMBECILE
I took a turn too fast, and I flipped. Can you please help me get the quad bike off?

AWESOME HIKER
The what?

COMPLETE IMBECILE
The quad bike. It's crushing my legs beyond repair.

AWESOME HIKER
Umm, I'm not sure what you're talking about.

COMPLETE IMBECILE
(shouting)
Oh, my god! Just get it off! Get it off!

AWESOME HIKER
Get what off?

COMPLETE IMBECILE
The quad bike!

Pause a beat.

AWESOME HIKER
You mean the four wheeler?

COMPLETE IMBECILE
Yeah, the quad bike!

AWESOME HIKER
Uhh, dude, I'll help you get it off, but it's a four wheeler.

COMPLETE IMBECILE
No, it's not. It's a quad bike!

AWESOME HIKER
Four wheeler!

COMPLETE IMBECILE
Quad bike!

AWESOME HIKER
I don't see a quad bike. Call it a four wheeler and it comes off!

COMPLETE IMBECILE
I'm in so much pain.

AWESOME HIKER
Say it!

COMPLETE IMBECILE
(now crying)
Quad .... bike. Oh, god. Oh, god.

AWESOME HIKER
Four wheeler! Say it!

COMPLETE IMBECILE
Get the four wheeler off me, you sadistic f----!

AWESOME HIKER
Okay.

In one fell swoop, the AWESOME HIKER heroically throws the four wheeler off the COMPLETE IMBECILE.

AWESOME HIKER
Now, was that so hard?

THE END