Wednesday, November 18, 2009

CI #38 -- Pleasure Cruises

I'm headed this weekend to my first ever cruise. It's such an odd way to get away -- confining yourself to a boat for an extended period of time, but I'm really looking forward to it.

It seems that cruises are part remote resort hotel, part Las Vegas, and part summer camp (with both the pros and cons of the aforementioned).

Still inspired from my friend's marathon run, I've decided to set myself a goal: drink at least one alcoholic beverage in every place that will serve it. By my count, there are eleven aboard the Ecstasy (yep, that's what it's called).

Since I have yet to actually investigate this curious item, I'll leave you with a few questions to which I seek answers:

- What are the chances we'll be attacked by pirates in the Caribbean?
- If one is going to get intoxicated and toss oneself overboard, where is the best location to do so?
- If the captain falls ill, can the ship be piloted by a savvy video game player or gristly 'Nam vet?
- Does the captain ever utter the phrase, "Set a course for fun!"?
- How many keys are required to release the nuclear torpedos?
- I see that your cruise line is named "Carnival." What level of Freak can I look forward to?
- If we are indeed attacked by pirates, can I take a shot at one of them?
- Will there be souffles? What is a souffle?
- Do emotional scars from prior relationships count as "excess baggage"?

Bon voyage! Wait, that's your line.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

CI #37 -- U.S. Postal Service

Though Seinfeld was never known for satire, it pretty much hit the nail on the head with Newman.

I would love to have had a bucolic childhood where I had a friendly relationship with a reliable, whistle-happy mailperson.

I would hurry home from school with hopes that my X-ray specs from Boys Life were finally going to arrive today.

If I had the fortune of running into Postman Barney on the way, I'd even ask him personally. "Hey Mr. Barney, did my X-Ray specs come today?" "Nope. Not today, champ."

You know why my X-ray specs didn't come that day?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

CI #36 -- Toilet Paper

Rest assured, the Government is protecting your favorite toilet paper brand from thieving competitors and unfair practices.

One might assume that toilet paper brands, like many products, have applicable patents. You figure there's one for the diamond weave texture for a dependable clean, another for the method that turns 100% recycled materials into a rough, rugged clean, and even another for the latest in cardboard tube adhesives.

But how many patents can a single roll of toilet paper possibly have?

Monday, November 2, 2009

CI #35 -- Marathons

Ever since Pheidippides sprinted nonstop from Marathon to Athens to send word of the Persians' defeat, spawning the 26-mile race in his honor, people have wondered, "Why the hell would you want to do that?"

Well, Sunday I found out. For all the crazy food items you get to have, obviously. I'm talking about gels and juices and jolts and salt tablets and various other things that are not only socially unacceptable to eat at other times -- you look downright silly consuming them. But not when you're running a marathon. Bring on the pastes!