Friday, June 18, 2010

CI #89 -- The Brief Safe

Thanks to Dij for the tip on the most innovative use of tidey whities in decades, courtesy of Sears.

It appears Sears tried to copy something they thought Urban Outfitters would do but overshot by a mile, ending up in Spencer's Gifts territory -- the grundle of American mall culture.

Sure, there will be people who say, "You'd be crazy to keep cash in your underpants." To that I'd say, "Would you? Show me somewhere safer you can stash your money these days. With that jackhole Bernanke running things, we're all headed for the s---- anyway." (<-- that's what I would say.) There are myriad exciting points to debate here, but let's get to the most essential: Will the stained-underpants Brief Safe work?

Totally! But only if auteur-like attention to detail is maintained throughout your property. Five points are paramount.

1. Outside there must be at least three, and if at all possible four, pieces of plastic yard art. Garden gnomes won't suffice though. Too subtle. These must be arranged in such a way that appears haphazard but actually takes great care to maximize inconvenience to any intruder and/or prospective buyer of your house.

People must think you have nothing to steal. Bonus points if neighbors and friends are actively annoyed at your property.

2. Everything in your house must be dirty. Those glow-in-the-dark frost-able Daytona 500 beer mugs? Simply have to be stacked in the sink, covered in gunk. Otherwise, the logic of the ruse falls apart. I'm looking at you, ash tray.

Btw, did you see these things?! In case you didn't...

3. Let's be honest. You're really protecting your payload from your Old Lady so she won't steal it and give it to her Bum Son. So keep information at a minimum. Need to know basis, people. Feel free to play mind games and demand she do your laundry though.

4. Remember not to raid Brief Safe while buzzed on Milwaukee's Best in the hopes of procuring more Milwaukee's Best.

5. Relax on couch. Wearing Brief Safe, place hand in waistband, drinking in the benefits of true financial security.

1 comment:

  1. My question - wouldn't clean underwear be just as effective? Do thieves break into a home and immediately check all the underwear for cash and valuables...but only if it's not shit-stained? I cannot imagine the thought process that went into the person creating these.